a carnival of idiots

Time passes by

2010-03-17T21:11:00.003+01:00

A year has passed. One whole year, that's a long time. It get's even longer when you've spent it doing nothing but waiting in regrets and treshing.
I can't help wondering, what if I could turn it all back and do it differently. I wan't to say I'm sorry to all of those that I love. I'm sorry for the pain, the tears, the worry. I'm sorry I still feel this way.

I don't deserve you

2010-02-26T14:32:00.002+01:00

I'm losing you and we both know it's true. We both know you've been fighting long and hard enough. You've been strong for both of us but you get nothing back. I don't get how you can't see that you're better off without me? However we end up don't you ever, EVER, doubt my love. You mean the world to me.

Hypocrite

2010-02-24T19:29:00.005+01:00

I get so freaking pissed off when people who probably haven't crawled on the bathroom floor with Anxiety chugging their midriff, been standing by the tracks ready to jump, never been able to sleep for days, been sitting with the knife against their throat. When they say that "you have to accept that life isn't always cheerful and we have to allow ourselves to feel bad".

FUCK YOU.

Well shoot me, it would be a benefacation

2010-02-24T15:57:00.003+01:00

No. I don't hear voices.

No. No one touches me in an unpleasant way.

No. I'm not getting abused.

Yes. I have friends.

No. I'm not bullied.

I've got anxiety.

anxiety.anxiety.ANXIETY

My brain is boiling.

It's my brain that's fucked up.

It never shuts off.

Never.

It just keeps going.

It's my brain that's fucked up.

My brain!

Can you hear me?!!

You suck.

2010-02-19T08:54:00.002+01:00

When I have authority you're always louder.

When I'm distinguished you get frumpy.

When I'm absentminded you're giddy.

When I'm open-hearted you tattle.

When I argue you fight.

When I get furious you get hysterical.

When I want to start a relationship,

you fall someone random. Hussy!

See me

2010-02-18T16:07:00.004+01:00

Sometimes I think that if I just stop talking so much, coloured my hair again and bought clothes that aren't black. Studdied harder and worked hard not to seem screwed up. Laughed less and bothered to put makeup on in the morning. Bought new jeans and listened to music that doesn't really mean anything. Maybe then you'd find me interesting.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...

2010-02-14T14:53:00.003+01:00

All of you who don't understand.

All the things you don't understand

I swear it's true

2010-02-12T11:52:00.002+01:00

Breath me in. I'm yours to keep.

It doesn't work that way

2010-02-03T11:06:00.004+01:00

I'm not alone. I have friends. Some are real close and good friends. People I love, who's love I trust. Unconditioned. All the way. 100 %. I don't want to scare the ones I love. You don't expose them to your anxiety. To your irresolution. You don't expose the people you love to your suicide thoughts.

Handle Me

2010-01-29T10:25:00.002+01:00

I have no hunger to die.

I don't want to die.

I don't desire death.

Truth be told I'm afraid of dying.

I'm afraid of the emptiness.

Of everything that has an end.

Of the eternity.

You know nothing of hell

2010-01-28T17:04:00.002+01:00

I've anxiety in every season. My anxiety neither favor or discriminate. Snow, sunshine, rain or dry weather, it strikes in full force the second I think I'm safe.

I don't want to die... I just dont want to live

2010-01-27T19:07:00.003+01:00

Who do you call when you don't have the strenght to live anymore?
Who do you call when you don't want do live anymore?

You're the needle when I don't need pain

2010-01-22T12:23:00.004+01:00

I need you just to breath.

waking empty. seldom sleeping

2010-01-18T11:37:00.004+01:00

like beeing broken and getting sewn back together

but everything ends up at the wrong place

it hurts everywhere but there's nothing you can do about it

cause it's been too long and everything has sort of gotten stuck

so you try and live with it

it hurts more and more every day

and you wish that you could just tear that fucking heart out and push it pack in where it belongs

but ofcourse that's impossible

so you try and live with it anyway

eventhough you don't want to

If the lies don't touch you the truth will

2010-01-16T17:08:00.002+01:00

I mean everybody bleeds, though differently.

And then there are those who bleed constantly and that's so damn sad.

I'll always wait for you

2010-01-06T16:32:00.000+01:00

And heaven knows I've tried to find a cure for the pain

2009-12-22T08:21:00.002+01:00

But the water keeps on falling from my eyes.

Wonder if I'm gonna wake up from this coma

2009-12-20T20:50:00.001+01:00

That's when it hit me like a flashback on how it used to be.
My whole world crashed. Like a cymbal

The only problem is that you're using me in a different way than I'm using you

2009-12-19T11:20:00.002+01:00

I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking. Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me.

You know that I love you but it's just... I hate you at the same time too.

2009-12-17T20:33:00.005+01:00

Is it wrong loving someone who's so out of your legaue you're not even playing the same sport? No. Is it weird? A little bit. Does it hurt? YES.

Laugh about it and maybe I'll get over you.

2009-12-09T16:19:00.002+01:00

Everytime you mention her, I die a little bit.

I don't recognize what I've turned into

2009-12-09T14:23:00.000+01:00

I don't know why I want you so. I don't need the heartbreak.
You have me I can't change. I'm not in control so let me go. Release me. Release my body. I mean, I know it's wrong, so why do I keep coming back? Just release me 'cause I'm not able to convince myself that I'm better off without you.

I told you

2009-12-08T11:33:00.002+01:00

Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius.

I'm not falling apart when I'm with you

2009-12-06T20:22:00.004+01:00

Life changes everywhere I go and maybe it wont be the two of os forever. Just as long as there are stars over us. And just as long as our hearts manage to keep beating.

Isn't it great beeing alive for just one more day...

2009-12-06T20:11:00.002+01:00

How can anyone believe in everlasting love now?

I'll do anything to make your life seem better

2009-12-06T20:06:00.004+01:00

Sometimes a lie is the most beutiful thing you'll ever have.

I'd rather be lonely than happy with someone else

2009-12-06T20:02:00.002+01:00

Spread the gasoline all over the sunset. Tear the city apart. Pour out the ocean all the way back to the horizon. Mute the music. I'm never gonna see him again.

He'll never be back

2009-12-06T19:56:00.003+01:00

What do you know about dawn until you've met every morning sleepless? What do you know about the sun until someone turned all the lights off? And what do you know about not wanting to wake up anymore? You're gonna see your youth rot right in front of you. What do you really know about love until you've hated it in vain? Tell me, what do you know about when your heart is beating for love who'll never die but neither live?

Why do you do this to me?

2009-11-30T09:06:00.001+01:00

These days aren't easy like they have been once before. These days aren't easy anymore.
Why do you do this to me? Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe.
Why do you do this to me?

Curiosity

2009-11-28T16:39:00.003+01:00

It doesn't always kill you. But there are things worse than death.

nobody. nobody. NOBODY

2009-11-27T16:44:00.001+01:00

Everything I do feels so fucking unappreciated.

guess I'll go and face all my fear

2009-11-26T20:19:00.002+01:00

Put down your world just for one night.
Pick me again.

What is really more interesting than me?

2009-11-25T21:11:00.004+01:00

You know... If you would just like me back we'd be perfect.

You know I love you guys. More than you'll ever know.

2009-11-25T17:55:00.004+01:00

Today's a special day. It's the first time I've listened to Coldplay since the 19th of September this year. There are no words to describe my love for them, there are no words for Chris Martin. The sadest part is that I can't listen to their music without crying. Without my heart breaking. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why I can appreciate them in a way that is just.. thankful and admiring? I want what they radiate. I want to feel that. I want to live that.

I wish I could say we're better of this way and believe it

2009-11-25T11:45:00.003+01:00

I guess for you it's not enough

2009-11-24T21:06:00.002+01:00

We're wise beyond your years and if you could feel me heartbeat you'd know exactly where to take me.

just listen to what I've gotta say

2009-11-24T19:54:00.003+01:00

My guess is that we'd click just perfectly.
But how can I put it into words so that you wont run away?

why love, why do you have to be so unusually cruel tonight?

2009-11-23T21:21:00.002+01:00

Up and down, back and forth, here and there. Just like a freaking rollercoaster. But I always end up smashing down hard in the ground. My feelings are confused. Or, actually it's my mind telling my heart not to feel this way and everything ends up a total mess. I just don't get why it's so hard not to bother, not to take it seriously.

All of this is just pathetic.

I dont believe that anybody feels the way I do about you

2009-11-23T09:51:00.003+01:00

"youre too wonderful"
You must be kidding me.

The city that never wakes

2009-11-22T11:47:00.004+01:00

If you love me only in your dreams, let us sleep forever.

I said wild thing

2009-11-20T22:07:00.002+01:00

I think I love you, but I wanna know for sure. So come on and hold me tight, yeah move me. Wild thing, you make my heart sing. You make everything groovy..

You're so not worth it

2009-11-19T19:15:00.003+01:00

I don't know what happened. But I guess it's okey, I don't deserve it anyway. But thanks for making it easier for a few days.

Oh screw you!

2009-11-19T17:13:00.004+01:00

This can't be happening, like... No, it just can't. He's on another continent, on the other side of the world. Besides, he's not even serious. Why am I just not getting it? Why can't I stop thinking about him?! I can't take this right now. I'm just too fucked up.

Have you ever needen someone so bad?

2009-11-13T11:36:00.005+01:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was pretty, intellegent, charming and mysterious. But she was damaged. She had bad anlage. Big dreams. Night after nigt this girl stayed up, she was sinning. Her sin was that she believed. She believed she could be different, special. She thought she could heal the damages. She had thought she could feel alive, adored and needed. But no, she had been disclaimed.

Be ready I'm comming for you

2009-11-13T08:22:00.004+01:00

I will have many men. Yes, herds of them! Members of parliaments and hostlers. Spaniards and Aussies. Dukes in shame, kings! I shall have presidents and captains of industry, actors and gypsies. Poets and artists and men who are prepared to die just to touch the hems of my skirts. Princes! Troubadours who extol the sapphires of my eyes. And I will have jongleurs and acrobats and admirals. Yes, I will have them all!

Glitter in the air

2009-11-12T19:10:00.008+01:00

What is it that scares you? What is it that makes the hair on your arms unfix, your palms swetty and your every breath feel like a trapped animal in your chest?

Is it the dark? A passing memory of an old bedstory, creatures and beeings hiding in the shadows? Is it the wind just outside bedroom window?

Or is it something much more frightening, a monster in the dephts you've only glimpsed partially in your souls´vast dark and unknowned inner.

Whatever it is, if you want to tell me I'm hear.

Show me there's a way to beat the monster

2009-11-08T07:32:00.004+01:00

Hold me, just tell me everything’s ok. Save me, just make it go away.

Hope someone hears me tonight.

But..

2009-11-08T07:25:00.001+01:00

They told me you should be faithful, walk when not able and fight till the end. But I'm only human.

Basically she fell for you boy...

2009-11-07T15:37:00.002+01:00

...But she definitely got more than scraped knees.

I heard of a girl

2009-11-06T10:10:00.003+01:00

I heard of a girl, she went to school everyday sad. Her mom and dad they didn't really know. She was to embarrassed to let it show.
There was this girl on a cloudy November night, she closed her door and...

All I want is for you to call

2009-11-05T18:13:00.002+01:00

I wish I knew how to make this change, but it's impossible, I'm struggling in vain. Still there's nothing I won't do to have you next to me, so how in the world can I make you listen?!
Just give me a call babe, ok?

Everybody hates you when you're living off your rock'n'roll

2009-11-05T17:43:00.005+01:00

Yes it shows...

2009-11-05T17:30:00.004+01:00

It’s only fair to let you know. It's only right to let you know.
I cant live if living is without you .

with the pain you drain from love

2009-11-05T11:33:00.003+01:00

He said 'Promise me I'm not your world'

I want to do all the things I love

2009-11-04T17:59:00.001+01:00

(especially you)

your smile...

2009-11-04T17:45:00.004+01:00

... it could light up this whole town.

have I crossed the line?

2009-10-22T11:46:00.002+02:00

I feel lost, so if I'm asking for help it's only because being with you have totally opened my eyes.

you can't have everything

2009-10-19T11:12:00.003+02:00

so what if it hurts me? so what if I break down? so what if this world just throws me off the edge?

I can't deal with the degrading behavior I'm so trapped in

2009-10-15T15:17:00.003+02:00

I forget that I deserve better. I can't deal with the insanity and the cutting emptyness.

there's no turning back from moving on

2009-10-13T20:28:00.000+02:00

kind of crazy but it turns me on

2009-10-09T14:02:00.002+02:00

any monkey looking like a saviour

2009-10-06T20:32:00.001+02:00

don't you know love is stronger than Jesus?

I was dreaming but I never believed

2009-10-03T17:49:00.001+02:00

been working up the courage to call you all year. but there is nothing I can say and there are no good words left anyway. besides people are cruel and the world still moves without you.

timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance

2009-10-03T11:29:00.000+02:00

can you remember

2009-09-25T09:59:00.000+02:00

When did I turn invisable?

When did you go blind?

bittersweet

2009-09-25T09:33:00.000+02:00

I'm not going insane. I'm going sane in an insane world.

you know. nothing.

2009-09-25T09:27:00.000+02:00

I can barely walk without your air in my lungs. I can't even stand when your not watching.

2009-09-25T09:21:00.000+02:00

a little girl, all alone in the big wide world with a heart full of bleeding wounds. all she wants is to be happy, but why is it so hard? her cheeks wet from salt tears because she knows how bad it hurts. with a life that is no longer worthwhile, days filled with panic and faked smiles and nights which consists of tears and suppressed screems. she wants to disappear in the dark.

whatever to kill her pains.

London calling

2009-09-16T21:52:00.003+02:00

-anxiety

-sleepy

- broken computer

- lots of homeworks

-beautiful friends

- off to London

see ya suckers!

I'm not scared at all

2009-09-13T20:13:00.005+02:00

I've had my chances and I've taken them all, just to end up right back here on the floor.

make me king!

2009-09-12T13:52:00.002+02:00

feet fail me not

a falling star. at least I fall alone

2009-09-08T12:44:00.002+02:00

Now I’m on my own side and it feels better than being on any other side. Obviously it’s my fault you're blind. Just a little insight won't make this right. It’s too late to fight. It ends when I decide.

sometime it has to end

2009-09-08T12:39:00.002+02:00

I can’t explain myself. All the wants and all the needs... All I don’t want to need at all.

if you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything

2009-09-04T23:21:00.002+02:00

always remember you're absolutely unique... just like everyone else.

some kind of record in escaping as far away from yourself as possible

2009-09-03T21:32:00.002+02:00

sweet dreams.

but the beat goes on da da dum da dum dada

2009-08-31T18:42:00.004+02:00

snap back to reality. Oops there goes gravity. you only get one shot.

am i invisible cause you ignore me?

2009-08-30T20:25:00.001+02:00

beat me. hate me. you can never break me. will me. thrill me. you can never kill me. chew me. sue me. everybody do me. kick me. hike me. dont you wrong or right me! beat me. bash me. you can never trash me. hit me, kick me. you can never get me. all I wanna say is that they dont really care about us.

I've been there and back

2009-08-29T17:55:00.005+02:00

Am I supposed to put my life on hold because you don't know how to act and you don't know where your life is going? Am I supposed to be torn apart, broken hearted, in a corner crying?Pardon me if I don't show.

Schh

2009-08-27T16:49:00.005+02:00

The way I feel inside. These thoughts I can't deny. You're the only one who needs to know. Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret. My dirty little secret.

I know I'm helplessly puzzled

2009-08-26T19:44:00.004+02:00

Nobody sees and nobody knows how you light up my day, how you catch me when I fall.

"You are the sea upon which I float"

2009-08-25T18:18:00.002+02:00

I don't know what to say about saturday 22/8. I can't really grasp that Coldplay actually were her in Sweden, playing a concert, and I was there. It's insane. And it's hard to re-tell it and try to explain how magic it was, I think it's impossible. And I feel that the more I talk about it, the more "un-special" it gets. Because to me it's almost sacred, and I kind of like don't wanna ruin it by deminish it by putting it down in words. 'Cause it is so much bigger than that. It's a bit silly you might think, but it makes total sense to me.

One thing I know is that I wish every day was 22/8/2009.

Remember me

2009-08-25T17:35:00.006+02:00

When your left alone, standing on your toes, barely reaching the surface. When you've hit rock bottom, think of me.

When you've taken the first best train and are desperate for a conversation. When your last in line, have me in the back of your mind.

When you can't find you way back and you're lost in a cold winternight, retain me.

And when you're standing on the top of the world and there's light wherever you go. When you've won. When gravity is weak and you're flying high. Be sure to remember me.

'come out, come out wherever you are'

2009-08-21T10:37:00.003+02:00

Every night I go sneaking out the door
I lie a little more, but shh. Baby I’m helpless. There's something ‘bout the night and the way it hides all the things I like. Like little black butterflies deep inside of me.

Sick

2009-08-19T08:56:00.003+02:00

I'm sick. I think it's just another cold, but still... This sucks. Everything sucks. Doesn't matter what happens, it will suck anyway.

Yaay...

2009-08-17T12:04:00.003+02:00

I've done this before. No, its not okey. And no, I'm not in a hurry. It just sucks.

2009-08-16T20:59:00.004+02:00

Just to make everything x-tra, super, mega clear for everyone (read: me) before I post anything more. Nothing I write is about Mr. Big. NOTHING. Just so I won't get second thoughts and suddenly.... I don't know.... convinse myself in some strange way that he's worth waisting my time on. So! Now that won't ever happen. Thank you :)

M-mm

2009-08-16T20:34:00.003+02:00

Hm... Now it's time for a secret. The guy singing in the clip, I have a crush on him. Mostly I joke around about it, bit it's kind of serious. Or, it's nothing more then just a little crush and it's not a joke. But shhhh let's keep it a secret 'til he marries me.

Fairytales. Yeah right.

2009-08-10T20:09:00.002+02:00

desperate

2009-08-07T16:54:00.000+02:00

I don't care if you really care as long as you don't leave.

Oh screw you

2009-08-07T14:33:00.002+02:00

Why is my brain all fucked up? Why does it make up stupid things and make me believe it? Why can't I just be happy?

Erase and rewind 'cause I've been changing my mind

2009-08-06T17:23:00.003+02:00

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't like you, it's that I do. I've come to a point where it can't be healthy for any of us. Maybe it's just me imagining it, but sometimes it feels like we're not on the same page. And I have to let you know 'cause I can't go on like this, dying from the inside out when I'm not with you. So let's just erase and rewind.

How did I let myself get this addicted?

2009-08-05T18:37:00.006+02:00

It's the same everytime I'm not with him. Anxiety decides to pay me a visit, and stays 'til I see him again. So at least I'm not alone... But it hurts to depend this much on someone. I feel like when we're not together I might as well be dead. Or I am, on the inside. It's a wonder to me how I can talk, walk, sleep and breathe without him. But then we meet and I come alive again. I feel things other than anxiety and deathwish. I smile and I'm 100% sure I mean it. All these dark thoughts just disappear and make no sense. But eventually he has to go. I never want him to. I wanna feel alive. But I know eventually all this will have to end, he won't last forever. Nothing does.

if you only knew...

2009-08-04T20:26:00.002+02:00

If you compare last night to tonight. Tonight sucks. If tonight had been 2 months ago, it would have been a pretty good night, -blueberry pie, good programs on tv, summerbreak. But now tonight is tonight and I know how great nights can be. And that is why this one sucks.

29.07.2009

2009-07-29T11:06:00.003+02:00

I wish I was your favorite girl. I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world. I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile. I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style. I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset. I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn't eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Basically, I wish that you loved me.

such a high

2009-07-26T17:12:00.005+02:00

I like you. ALOT.

Enough is enough

2009-07-25T17:44:00.003+02:00

I won't be sleeping with my phone anymore. You won't be calling me anyway

24.07.2009

2009-07-24T12:28:00.003+02:00

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I LOVE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

So damn tired of having to live without you

2009-07-16T20:13:00.003+02:00

It's been to long when you hardly remember the feeling.

You know I miss you

2009-07-09T19:08:00.002+02:00

It's not okey going to Finland just like that. Not okey. Because 3 weeks is a long time. A very long time.

Tomorrow...

2009-06-30T16:51:00.003+02:00

Tomorrow is gonna be the day when I catch you. Tomorrow you'll be mine. You think nobody sees you, but I have. I know you wanna get out of here. I may be threadbare and warped, but never wrong.

Tomorrow's the day you'll kiss me.